


Harry Potter and the Weird Guy's Eternity Stone

by HinaSaku



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 1: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Humor, Inappropriate Behavior, Inappropriate Humor, Out of Character, Parody, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-09-14 17:06:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9195452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HinaSaku/pseuds/HinaSaku
Summary: Harry Potter has lived a crappy life with his aunt, uncle, and cousin until he finds out he's really a wizard and a famous one at that! With this knowledge, he plans to make the most of it.





	1. Chapter 1

"Harry! Harry James Potter! Get off your lazy butt, come eat and wash the dishes!" My Aunt Petunia yelled from in front of the door as she banged on it.

"I'm coming!" I answered back. "You old sack of balls…" /p>

"What was that?" 

"Nothing!" I breathed a breath of relief. Finally, that old sack of goat poop was gone! Now I could stretch out my legs…Oh wait…I can't because those fat pigs made me have my bedroom a staircase closet! Not to mention that breakfast for me was probably bacon crumbles, toast crumbs, and even orange juice crumbs!

After trying to the best of my abilities to put on my hand-me-down jeans and shirt (which came from Dudley) in only an inch of space, I came out of the closet, only to be slammed back in by my fat grizzly of a cousin, Dudley. One of these days, I'm gonna smash his head in with a freakin' hammer, cook him, and feed him to his parents. I know it sounds a little dark, but hey, you'd say the same thing if your cousin was treated like a fat pig prince and you were treated like a slave.

When I had arrived in the kitchen, I was a little more than surprised to see a whole piece of bacon, some toast, about two giant spoonfuls of eggs, and some orange juice left in the carton. I silently thanked god that Dudley had gotten full and couldn't steal my entire portion like he sometimes did if he let me sleep late. As a matter of fact, he was the only reason I missed breakfast when he had to wake me up. I can only pray to god that something comes to suck his soul out (Hint: Year 5). Oh well…

After eating breakfast and washing the dishes, I decided to take a shower. It was a good thing that Aunt Petunia was gardening and that fat uncle of mine…uh…well it's not important…he was at work and wouldn't be home for hours. Something tells me he's going to get his thing on and hook up with that prostitute of his. Dudley was probably in his room being fat and doing whatever it is fat kids do. I wouldn't know…I'm never going to be fat with the way they feed me…

The first thing I did was use the towel on my floor to hide my glasses and clothes and climbed into the shower. The only good thing about the Dursley's is that if the shower was running in broad day light, they won't go investigate! As long as I didn't stay until after dinner, they wouldn't mind. The only thing I had to do was keep the door unlocked and the lights off. Otherwise they would know something wasn't right and lock me up in the closet for a week except to go to the bathroom or school.

Just as I was soaking up the hot water (and using it all up), the lights flashed on. Taking no worry about it, I went back to showering. Sometimes I like to make a game out of hearing people crap or pee. It's even funnier to listen to Dudley and Uncle Whats-his-face grunt while they poop. Disgusting? Only if you don't live in a closet. Suddenly I heard the sound of pants unzipping and someone's fat ass sitting on the toilet. To my surprise, I heard what sounded like my name being called over and over.

'Whatever you do, don't…peek…' Being the curious type I slowly peeked around the corner of the shower curtain.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHH!" we both screamed.

* * *

"WHAT WERE YOU DOING PEEKING IN ON DUDLEY?!" yelled Aunt Petunia.

"What you should be asking is why he was moaning and stroking his thing to my name!" I yelled back.

"Don't you dare yell at your aunt you scrawny brat!" Uncle Fatso yelled at me. "And why would our precious Dudley even want to stroke himself to you or your stupid name. You're the only thing that ruins classic names like Harry and James."

"Well you ruin a good name like…" before I could say the rest of my sentence, Uncle Lard-o grabbed me by the back of my shirt and shoved me into the closet.

I cursed the stars that my cousin was getting away with yet another crime of the century. I could have only wished that I could have seen Fatso Jr.'s face right now.


	2. Chapter 2

After a while, the Dursleys finally let me out of the closet and during the time in the closet I had thought about school. Damn. My life was a complete mess. At school, nobody liked me. Not one fucking person. It was mainly because of Dudley and his gang…that and the fact that I wore glasses that made me look like Steve Urkel. No, worse than Steve Urkel!

Here's what my day consisted of. In the mornings at school, I didn't have to worry about Dudley and his stupid gang bullying me because they were too busy taking other kids' lunch money. I knew that they would come and chase me in about twelve minutes, so I ran off to go hide somewhere. The rest of the day is just school and then there is lunch. I have to eat lunch in the bathroom stall to keep Dudley from finding me. Then when we go home, I lock myself in the closet while Dudley either does whatever fat kids do or brings his gang over. That's pretty much it I guess. I wonder if this school year will be any better.

"Marge just called. She can't get the boy," Aunt Petunia said putting up the house phone. "She broke her ankle."

Yes! I could finally stay at home. I no longer had to put up with her stupid cats and having nothing to do over there. They were going to the zoo for Dudley's birthday and since I had never been to a zoo before, I was pretty excited. Of course as long as I either got to stay home or went to the zoo, I won either way. But then of course, Dudley just had to bitch about it.

"But I don't want him to come with us!" whined the little bitch. "He'll ruin everything! Can't we just leave him at home?"

"I suppose we could…" At that moment I loved my aunt more than life itself.

"Oh no, we won't!" Uncle Fatso yelled. "I won't be returning to my house just to have a heart attack!"

"I DON'T WANT HIM TO COME! WAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Good god! I've never heard someone whine that much in my life! How the fuck was I supposed to mess up a simple trip to the zoo? All there was to do was to look at the animals and not try to get into the monkey cage even though I really want to. Dudley just wanted to be a little brat and have his way all of the time! When was it gonna be my turn?! WHEN?!

"Then we'll leave him in the car." Aunt Petunia suggested.

'To die of heat stroke? No thanks!'

"No way! That car's new!" seeing no way out, he finally agreed I could go. In my head I did a little happy dance. I would have done it in the bathroom but even alone I'm a bad dancer.

"And no funny business boy." he gave me a stern look.

"How can I?"

"Where there's a will, there's a way."

"I SAID I DON'T WANT HIM GO! I ALSO SAID WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Dudley said even louder than the last time.

"I'm sorry honey, but he has to come." no matter what Aunt Petunia said, Dudley still pretended to cry like little baby. If only his gang were here to see this.

Dudley finally shut the fuck up when Malcolm came to come with us. I was pretty excited to go to the zoo and even a bit nervous. Would any bears or lions get out of their cages? If so, all I had to do was run faster than Dudley. Quite a joke I'm sure.

When we arrived at the zoo, there was so much to see! All those animals with big ass teeth and fuzzy fur made me wanna wet my pants. Not even the Dursleys or Malcolm could ruin this day! When Fatso bought Dudley and Malcolm some ice cream, the lady was nice enough to actually ask me what I wanted. Before Uncle Lard-o could say anything, I asked for a small vanilla and chocolate swirl ice cream. Of course Uncle Fat ass had to pay for it and handed her over the money. Since it was a small ice cream, he didn't bitch about it. I sometimes wonder why Dudley can't be like Aunt Petunia and stop bitching about everything like his old man.

Finally we went to the snake house. I prayed that one of the largest snakes they had got loose and scared the hell out of Fatso Jr. and his crony. I would have prayed for more, but I knew the police would possibly trace it to the zoo and the Dursleys would sue the crap out of them and Fatso Sr. would take me into the backyard and shoot, where afterwards I would crawl into the woods and die. Now that I think about it, they probably won't even try to kill me. Then I gasped in horror to myself. Would they try and conceive another baby? Fat people sex almost made me throw up at the thought. Truth be told, Aunt Petunia wasn't that bad looking, she was just fat. Did she catch Uncle Fatso's fatness? How did she come to marry a fat-ass like him anyways? Maybe because he was skinny at one point…that or he was wearing a girdle when they met.

"Dad, this stupid snake won't move!" Dudley was tapping on the glass trying to make it move.

"It's probably asleep Dudley." Uncle Lard-O tapped on the glass.

After they had walked off, I stared into the glass container. Poor thing. I felt bad for him. He and I were just alike. Both of us were always locked up with limited space and were bullied and bothered all the time. Did his parents die too? At least his parents didn't break the law by driving drunk. Suddenly he opened his eyes and looked at me.

"Hey big guy!" I waved at him. To my surprise, he waved back too…with his tail of course. "So where are you from?"

He just pointed at a sign. It said that he was from Brazil but was raised in the zoo. Interesting. Before I could continue to speak to my new friend (who wasn't poor), Dudley's fat ass came in and pushed me out of the way. Suddenly I heard screams. The glass in front of the snake cage had disappeared. As luck would have it the snake slithered out and snapped at Dudley and Malcolm's heels. I looked up at the sky.

"I thank you god."


	3. Chapter 3

I was mad. How dare they believe that fat blob over me?! Well, I'm kind of dumb for thinking that because of course they were going to be on his side. They hated me and loved fatty more than me. I wish my mom and dad hadn't have died. I wonder what they were like. I asked Aunt Petunia once and she went ballistic on me. I wasn't even sure what I had done wrong while my uncle calmed her down. Why did she hate her own sister? Did mom do something to her like take her boyfriend or embarrass her in front of the whole school? I'll never know.

The next day was Dudley's birthday. He's older than me, so he's turning 12. He always gets the best presents while I always get hand-me-downs from his gorilla body that he used to be able to wear or socks. No toys, new clothes or shoes, a video game, or anything and that really makes me mad. I wish they loved me as much as they did that fat hog.

As usual he got a lot of presents, but he was off by two. I, of course, pointed this out to him and he, in return, thought I was lying until he counted them himself. "HEY! I DON'T HAVE AS MANY PRESENTS AS I DID LAST YEAR! UNACCEPTABLE! WHERE IS IT?! WHERE IS IT?!"

"R-right here, Dudley dear!" His mother quickly brought out a huge box.

"WHERE'S THE OTHER ONE!?"

"Well I couldn't…"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Time for cake!" she said loudly and started giving out cake. She, of course, gave me a small piece and him a huge "diabetes just by looking at it" piece. His whining subdued and he started eating on his cake. "Harry, go get the mail."

I sighed and went to get the mail. As I picked it up, something slipped down to the floor. When I picked it up, I saw my name on it. It was from some school called Hogwarts. Hogwarts? What kind of name is Hogwarts? But who cares? Someone wrote me! ME! As happy as I was, I was a little curious as to whom had written me a letter and from a school neither the less. I sure as heck didn't ask to go there and neither did my uncle or aunt. Had my parents gone there and arranged for me to attend the school when I got older? It was a possibility.

I laid the mail on the table as I eyeballed the letter. Dudley noticed my letter as soon as he looked up from his robot dinosaur toy. "What's that you've got there?"

"Mail…for me…"

"For you?" he laughed. "Who would ever write you? You don't have any friends!"

It was true. I didn't have any friends at school and Fatty McGee made sure of that, too. "It's from a school."

"A school? You mean the one dad's going to send you to?"

"No. A different one…called Hogwarts."

"Hogwarts? AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He laughed and for once, I actually felt he was kind of in the right for laughing. If someone told me that they had received a letter from a school called Hogwarts, I would have laughed too.

"What's so funny in here?" uncle fatty asked.

"Ha-harry…" he could barely get the words out of his mouth since he was laughing so hard. "H-he…got a l-letter…hahahaha…from from…some school….hahahahaha…called Hogwarts! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"WHAT?!" He grabbed the letter from me. Once he got a good look at it, he started turning dark red. "HOW DARE THEY?!"

"What's wrong, Vernon?" Aunt Petunia had heard him from wherever she was and had come to investigate. He showed her the letter and she turned pale and looked as if she were about to faint. "W-what do we do?"

"THIS!" He ripped my letter to thousands of tiny pieces.

"NO!" I looked down at the floor. Why didn't I hide it and read it in my cupboard? I glared at him. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!"

"You'll thank me later boy. Now help me take your aunt to our room and don't you ever ask about that letter. The less you know, the better."

I wanted to say so many bad things to him right then and there, but I didn't. I'd pee in his coffee later.

For the next few days, things got pretty hectic around the house. More of those letters popped up and each time in a new place. When the second one came, he nailed the little slot in the door down. The third one came by owl. I guess they don't know about pigeons, but I have to admit that an owl carrying mail was pretty cool. He tore that one up too and started shutting the windows and forbid anyone from opening them.

"Dang. Who wants to talk to you this bad?" Dudley asked as a ton of letters came pouring out of the fireplace.

"What you should be asking is how the heck did they get all that mail in the chimney!" I said as my uncle started hammering the chimney shut, not even bothering with getting rid of the letters.

The next day, when I woke up, I heard a scream. I ran out of the closet in hopes that they had been murdered...uh I mean to see if they were okay. Letters were coming out of a tea kettle, the cabinets, the chimney (which was poorly hammered closed), and well…just about everywhere!

"THAT'S BLOODY IT! EVERYONE PACK YOUR STUFF AND LET'S GO!"

Everyone was a bit startled, but everyone did what they were told…except Dudley who wouldn't move because his dad said he couldn't take his video games, toys, and tv with him. I don't blame him for not wanting his son to take all of his junk with him. He has, like, 100+ things, probably more than any kid on the block if not the whole population of London. If he wanted to take everything, there wouldn't be any room left for anybody in the car and he would still have try and make room for more.

To make a long story short, they (meaning my uncle and some support from my aunt) told him he wouldn't be eating any desert for the next month. Loving food more than his own mother and father, he packed a gameboy and its games… and when I say games I mean about 20 and he had to leave the rest in the house. Meanwhile I packed up what I had…socks, over sized clothes, shoes, and myself. We rode in the car for hours and hours, with only the sound of rain and Dudley's gameboy's game noises. I wanted to listen to the radio, but uncle fatty didn't want to, even when Dudley asked. Was he afraid that the people sending me letters would give me a shout out or something? I doubt that they would go that far…but then again, these were the same people that sent letters by owls and shoved a bunch of letters down the freakin' chimney.

The ride in the car was pretty quiet for the most part…well except for when Dudley would make a noise of anger whenever he lost and would violently kick the back of his mother's seat. If his parents didn't spoil him so much, they would have slapped the crap out of him. But noooo! They just sat there and let him kick the seat again and again. If something goes wrong with Aunt Petunia's back, it's all her son's fault. She can't blame it on me because she knows I can't stop that maniac if they barely can. It was at times like this I wish I had my parents. Why couldn't someone on my father's side of the family have taken me in? Were they dead too? They had better be because if I ever find out they're alive, they're going to hear a word or two from me.

We finally got to a hotel (little on the rough side, but at least it was decent) and we all (except my aunt and uncle) got a separate bed. I prayed that Dudley had bed bugs in his bed before I went to sleep. I really don't know why we're on the run from Hogwarts. Were they like some sort of criminal organization that actually turned you into a criminal or something? If so, they needed to send Dudley one, not me. I am too far from being a criminal, but he on the other is VERY close to being one. He was a bully, liar, and a huge brat. I'm pretty sure he'd make a good goon.

The ceiling leaked repeatedly on the bedside table, but that wasn't what kept me up most of the night. It was my uncle's snoring. That man snores like a pig! My aunt's probably used to it, but not me or Dudley. We thought it was each other until we figured out who it really was. Instead of coming up with a way to shut him up for good, Dudley just play his gameboy while I just stuffed tissues in my ears. It drowned out most of his snoring, but barely my cousin's fits of fury when he kept dying on level 35 of Super Spoon Man: 3 HD.

In the morning, someone knocked really loudly on the door, causing my uncle to curse just as loud and told whoever was at the door to "keep their bloody pants on!"

"Here." The man at the door handed my uncle something.

"What the…?!"

"There's 20 more in the office. Is this Harry person famous or something?" asked the man curiously.

"NOOOO!" he screamed in both rage and anger. The man looked as if my uncle was pure crazy (which he sort of was at this point) and slowly backed up and ran like the wind. I really don't blame him for doing that either. My uncle turned to us. "EVERYONE GET UP AND GET DRESSED! WE'RE LEAVING!"

"But Vernon!" my aunt pleaded. "It's raining cats and dogs out there! We'll crash!"

However he didn't listen to my aunt. "The sea's not too far from here with a shack there. Come on! DON'T JUST STAND THERE! MOVE!"

Everyone quickly gathered up their things and we all got in the car. He was speeding down the road like a mad man until we got to the sea. I was scared out of my pants as soon as we got into the boat with whatever was light enough to get in. Luckily the boat was big enough for all of us to get in. Thank goodness Aunt Petunia wasn't pregnant because the weight of her son and husband plus our little bodies were close to make us sink. When we got inside, it was raggy as f*ck inside with a raggy couch and even raggy rug. He placed some fire wood inside while we all tried getting settled in.

"Hahahahaha! They can't get us now!" He laughed evilly.

"Are you okay?" I asked as the house creaked and groaned with the wind outside.

"Okay? OKAY?! I'VE NEVER BEEN BETTER!" He laughed.

We all looked at each other wondering if this man had completely lost his sanity. It wasn't until my aunt suggested that it was bed time was when he finally stopped laughing. Dudley got the couch and they got the bed. I was more than happy to sleep on the floor. One wrong move on that couch and bed and you'd probably end up dead. Even after a few hours, I was still up, quietly playing Dudley's Super Potato Danceoff gameboy game. Why was I up? My birthday was within a few minutes. I was so happy for my birthday, as I always was. Sure it was nothing special because no one cares about me, but it still felt good to be having.

Just as the time turned to 12 O' clock, I heard a booming noise on the door and quickly turned off the game and laced it where my cousin had it. Everyone else woke up too.

"Where's the cannon?" asked Dudley stupidly.

Before I could say something hilarious, my uncle got up and headed over to the door with a gun. "Who's there?! I'm armed, so don't you try and..."

Suddenly the door fell down, completely off its hinges. We all stared as a tall wooly stranger walked in and placed the door back on. "Couldn't make us a cup o' tea, could yeh? It's not been an easy journey."

We watched as he took a seat on the couch after Dudley tore across the room to his mother.

"An' here's Harry!" he said shocking me. "Las' time I saw you, you was only a baby. Yeh look like yer dad, but yeh've got yer mom's eyes.

"What the…who are you and how the hell do you know my name, YOU FREAK!" I yelled terrified and I too clung to my aunt.

"Now, now! Is that the way to be greetin' someone who came all this way to bring you some mail?" he seemed a bit offended.

"Mail? No…stranger danger! Stranger danger!" I said pointing at him and then I pushed uncle fatty forward. "Do something!"

"Listen 'ere, Harry. I mean ya no harm!"

"YOU JUST CAME IN UNIVITED BY BURSTING THE DAMN DOOR DOWN!" I said a little bravely.

"Sometimes I don't know me own strength." he laughed nervously and then pulled out something. We all jumped back, but I then wiggled my hand out and grabbed the letter. In the letter it said that I was to be attending a the school of… Witchcraft and Wizardry?

"You came all the way out here…to give me…a stupid prank letter?"

"No, it's because…you're a wizard Harry." he grinned.

"A what?"

"A wizard!"

"HOLY SHIT!" I felt so happy upon hearing this.

"Now wait just one minute!" Uncle Fatty shouted. "I'm not letting him go to some school for bozos and let some crackpot old fool teach him when he's going to…"

"CRACKPOT?!" The large man shouted at the top of his lungs. Oh snap! Uncle Fatty had done it now. Who knew he was so brave? "HOW DARE YOU INSULT NOT ONLY DUMBLEDORE, ONE OF THE GREATEST MEN ALIVE, BUT HOGWARTS AS WELL! A LOT O' NERVE YEH'VE GOT AND YOU!"

He pointed a finger at my aunt, who jumped back. "HOW DARE YOU LET 'EM HAVE A GO AT HOGWARTS WHEN YER SISTER ATTENDED THE SAME SCHOOL!"

"She was a freak!"

"A FREAK!?" Hagrid practically roared at her making her, my uncle, and cousin jump in fear. "A LOT O' NERVE YOU'VE GOT! I'LL SHOW YE A FREAK!"

Using his umbrella, he pointed at Dudley. Suddenly he twitch and turned around. On his round ass was a little pig tail. I burst out laughing like crazy. However none of them thought it was so funny. Aunt Petunia was screaming and my uncle was talking gibberish.

"Are we leaving now?" I asked after getting over my fit of laughter. I wanted to remember everything just this way before we left for Hogwarts where ever it was.

"Not quite." said Hagrid. "Water's a bit rough out there. We leave in the mornin'."

"Mommy!" hollered the fat pig.

Aunt Petunia could only hold her fat ass son close as my uncle tried deciding whether or not he wanted to start more shit. After a while he just huffed and said something about getting it removed after leaving the hut. We all settled in and went to bed with my aunt, uncle, and Dudley's fat piggy ass all huddled up together. Oh boy. If this was a dream, don't let me wake up. Hopefully the seeming dream would be for real in the morning. A wizard...oh I was gonna have some fun with magic once I got my wand.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning, I was eager to leave the hut and go wreck some havoc on the wizarding world and mainly the only family I had left in the world. However Hagrid wanted to take his time and fry up some sausages. Apparently he wasn't supposed to use magic, but fuck it. I wondered why, but I didn't question it. I was always eager to see some magic happen. He tried offering some to Dudley, but Aunt Petunia popped his hand when he reached out for it. Maybe she thought it was some kind of nasty trick? I wished it was, but **_if_** it was then I would have fallen prey to it too. I made sure and rubbed the fact that I had a delicious breakfast while Dudley had oatmeal. I could tell uncle fatty wanted to yell at me for doing so, but he was too afraid of Hagrid to say or do anything.

After breakfast was over, I was to grab my things and head out. Hagrid asked if either of us (aka me and my aunt and her family) wanted to say anything. My uncle grunted out a good-bye while my aunt said hers too. When he asked me, I laughed. "Oh FUCK no!"

"Harry!" said both my uncle and Hagrid.

"What? I'm not sorry I'm leaving these bastards!" I said smirking. Did he not know the level of abuse I've suffered under those fools? I didn't have a bedroom. I had a closet. I couldn't take showers except with the hose outside, I didn't have friends because of Fatty Junior, my clothes were all hand-me-downs even though my uncle and aunt could afford to, all I ever got were clothes never toys, I wasn't allowed to watch TV, and I was pretty much an equivalent of a slave in that house, unloved. Hagrid couldn't possibly know!

"Harry, you shouldn't be speakin' to yer folks like that!" said Hagrid.

"I'll do whatever I damn well pleased." I said puffing out my chest. He didn't know shit!

Hagrid didn't like my attitude at all, but as stubborn as I was he let it go and off we went. He began telling me about all the supplies I would need, but none held my interest except the wand. The possibilities were endless! Putting hexes on people, flying broomsticks, making people turn green in the face, making people do my bidding…oh boy! Wand here I come!

Once we got to the wizarding world, everything looked all village like. I had expected everything to be all magical and pretty, not some kind of broken down village that only just got a new window in one shop. Were these really my people? I prayed I could find better. The first place we went was the bank where inside I found that my parents were pretty wealthy. Where the hell was this money at before?  
Did those bastards not know how many toys I could have gotten?! Then again maybe this was the best place for it. Pretty sure I wouldn't see a penny of that money if they had gotten to it first. After getting some money from some of the ugliest creatures I've ever seen, we finally could go shopping. Hagrid asked what the first thing I wanted to get was and of course I told him I wanted a wand for myself. He just laughed when I said that. He told me not to expect to do much with it since I didn't know any spells.

"What?" I gave him a confused look. "You mean I **have** to remember words?"

"What did ya think it was? Just point and things happen?"

"Well yeah."

"It's a lot more complicated than that."

"Well that's shitty."

"Watch yer mouth, Harry. Little boys yer age shouldn't be sayin' things like that." He said as we went onto the wand shop.

"Okay." I said quietly. In the back of my mind I just laughed him off. Of course I would be still saying the same things. Just not around him least he was the one giving out punishments.

Once inside we met some old fart whose name I didn't care to know and didn't bother remembering. I was too busy wiggling with excitement about my wand. He said something about Hagrid's wand, remembering the size what material it had. To make things even creepier, he even remembered what it was made with. Considering no two wands were alike according to him, it made me hesitant to get a wand from this guy. Did this old fart seriously have nothing else better to do than remember his customer's wands or did he have a thing for Hagrid? I nearly threw up at the thought. He gave me some wands to test out and all of them caused some chaos. Even though that's what I wanted, old fart decided otherwise and had me try more. It took a while, but finally I got mine. Apparently it was the same as someone called you-know-who. When I asked who that was, both looked uncomfortable before Hagrid paid the man and ushered me out of the shop rather quickly.

"Why so nervous?" I asked him. "Who's you-know-who?"

"He…killed yer parents." He said quietly.

"Was he ever caught?" I asked.

"No. I guess I'd better tell ye before someone goes around telling you misinformation." Hagrid then poured into the story of how my parents died attempting to save me from dying.

"Wow…and here I thought they were drunken fools!" I said shaking my head.

"Who the heck told you that?!" he asked angered.

"Uncle Vernon."

"Of course he would." He shook his head. "Should have turned _him_ into a pig."

"I wish you had. Now where now?"

"Spell books, writing stuff, and then we've got to get you some new robes." He said looking over the list.

I noticed a kid just a bit older than me going by with a broomstick. "Oh! What about that? Can I have that?"

"Not yet. You can have one next year probably. I can't remember."

What? Next year? That was too long from now! I grumbled, but didn't pester him about it. I was pretty sure I would have to leave it at home and once my folks found out that it was magic, I wouldn't doubt it if they broke it. If I took it to school, it'd probably be confiscated. We got my books, my bag, a caldron for potions (note to self: make special potion for Dudley and possibly Uncle Fatty), quills (old fashioned medieval bastards! Wouldn't a simple pen do?), and a bunch of other stuff. He asked if I wanted a pet and of course I said yes. I've never had one and neither has Dudley. It was mainly because Dudley wouldn't fed it and Aunt Petunia wouldn't want fur everywhere and her furniture messed up. I got a white owl and named her Pumpkin Brain Hedwig Potter. Hedwig for short. Pumpkin because she looked like one (plus she ate my pumpkin flavored cookie free sample I'd gotten), Brain because owls were associated with being smart, and Hedwig because it was in a book and it sounded cool. Hagrid liked the Hedwig part but stayed quiet at the rest of it.

In the robe shop, there was some stuck up like mama's boy there. He knew who I was too. Weirdo. He attempted to shake my hand, but I didn't. Not because I didn't like how he had spoken to the lady there. She was old and I wouldn't doubt it if she did stick him. "Don't touch me, faggot. I don't hang with mama's boys especially ones that look like they just got off of their mom's tit milk."

He looked insulted at what I just said and I pushed him aside because I didn't give a shit. What? It was true. I wouldn't be surprised if he was still being breast fed. I got measured and sized up and was sent on my way. Now that the shopping was done, Hagrid told me I'd be heading back home. I fainted. After he splashed me with water, I called him the dirtiest things I could that fit him.

"DIRTY FUCKING CUNT LICKING BASTARD!" I yelled in anger. "I AIN'T NEVER GOING BACK, YOU OVERGROWN FURBALL! EAT MY SHIT!"

"Harry, calm…"

"NO!" I ran off. I wasn't going back! I didn't want to. I couldn't go back. I'd hide forever until school started. I don't care if I went hungry. Anything not to go to the assholes. I went into some kind of wizarding pub where everybody inside got quiet really fast and looked at me. I gulped, scared and wishing I hadn't run from Hagrid.

Before I knew it, people were shaking my hand grinning at me. What the hell was going on? They were asking to see my scar and asking all sorts of questions. Then Hagrid saved me just some other weirdo came up to me. He started to reprimand me about running off, but upon seeing the guy dressed in purple with some kind of turban on his head. As it turned out, this bald bastard was my teacher. He said it was a pleasure that he was going to teach me.

"What do you teach?" I asked curious.

"Defensive Against the Dark Arts."

"Defense? Oh man!" I groaned. "I wanted to learn some."

They both looked shocked to hear this, but I didn't care. Then Hagrid made an excuse. "Don't mind him. He's feeling under the weather from the heat."

"What heat?"

"I see." Quirrel said completely ignoring me. "I-I'll see you a-at s-school."

"I'll see you then baldy."

"Harry!" He just bowed to us and went back to wherever he was before. Meanwhile Hagrid and I left to get my ass back home. Damn it!


	5. Chapter 5

On my way home, I told Hagrid how I was going to pop Dudley and put extra nipples on his chest. He was quick to tell me not to do that. When I asked why, I was glad I had said what I said. As it turned out, you could get into deep shit if you used your wand outside of school if it wasn't an emergency. So if no one was attacking me, I couldn't do anything. Not that I could do anything anyways. I didn't know a single spell which was stupid! I couldn't wait to go so I could learn. Hogwarts was going to be so much fun! The days passed on with me now living in the upstairs guest bedroom that was now my room. I guess I was moved in there because Uncle Fatty was scared what Hagrid might do if he found out where I slept.

Summer seemed to be going by so slow so as you can imagine I was restless. I tried talking to Hedwig about it, but she was too busy doing owl shit. Finally the day came for me to leave the hellhole and go to heaven at last! HOGWARTS! I couldn't wait…at least until I got to the train station where I had to go to Platform 9 ½. When I told my uncle this when he dropped me off, he smirked! I kept asking him where the hell it was, but he made these funny laughing noises and finally told me to go ask some of my fellow wizards. I kicked him in the balls and went on my way. I asked around, but everyone thought I was fucking stupid. I couldn't blame them I looked like a jackass.

I couldn't find a soul who knew and at this rate, I was starting to believe this was a huge prank. Where the hell was Hagrid when you needed him? I then saw the biggest ugliest bitch I ever did see. Behind her were some of the homeliest kids ever! Well except the youngest boy and the oldest one. They were alright looking, even if they were fucking reds.* The twins had a shit eating grin on their faces and they probably do eat shit. I could tell they were going to be a problem. I could smell it from here as well as the nearby taco stand. I ordered a bag full with the money I got from Uncle Fatty. I overheard something about Hogwarts and hauled my ass right over there.

"Excuse me, miss." I said in the most polite voice possible. "Did I hear you say Hogwarts because I'm heading there myself."

"Yes, your parents aren't with you."

"No. I got dropped off." I said gritting my teeth. 'They're also dead. Thanks for rubbing salt in the wound, you hefty bitch!'

"My Ron's also going there too. I already have some going." She said giving all this backstory I didn't ask for. She then said some garbage about us possibly being friends. I'd think about it.

Then I saw the twins run into Platform Nine and they went straight through! The oldest one went next and Ron went after. How was no one seeing this? No matter. I went after and BAM! Hogwarts here I come. As we were getting our shit on the train, some faggot called me Harry Potter and everyone including the red looked at me. "You're mistaken!" I said to the kid. "I'm Dickard Nixen. I wish I was that handsome rascal though!"

Everyone mumbled in disappointment. I turned to Ron. "I'm lying. I'm actually Harry Potter. I'll show you the scar later. Come on."

Ron only nodded and followed me into the train. Then we bumped into the tit sucker again. UGH. He tried getting me in his compartment completely forgetting about the roast I delivered earlier. I then proceeded to do it once more. "Man, how many times I gotta tell you? I don't want your mom's titty milk! It's cool if you wanna have a sip or two, but I don't! I like cow milk. And no that doesn't include your mom."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOH!" said the two fat guys who I was assuming were his friends.

"Shut up!" he snapped back at them. He told me I was making a huge mistake, but I just told him whatever and we got our own compartment. Some lady came by with treats and I got a bunch of them especially the chocolate frogs which I hoped weren't real frogs. Ron didn't want any, but I knew he was lying. He was poor as fuck and I too knew the feeling. I gave him some and tossed his liverwurst sandwich on the ass of some dork.

* * *

 

_***Here's a cookie if you get the reference.** _


	6. Chapter 6

Ron and I were enjoying our treats when I came upon the shock of a lifetime. MOVING PICTURES! I screamed and in my panic knocked off my glasses and nearly broke them. What kind of black magic had I stumbled upon?! The fucking red laughed and I told him to stop laughing and get a priest. He explained in the wizarding word, pictures MOVED! He was surprised I didn't know this. I explained my family wasn't magical like his and he promised to explain anything magical except maybe the spells.

"You're so lucky!" I pouted.

"You'll learn more. Besides there'll be other kids like you there." pointed out Ron as he popped a jelly bean in his mouth. He winced and spat it out. "Gross! Broccoli!"

I laughed at him. At first I thought someone at the factory had made one wrong, but as it turned out that the whole package was multi-flavored as stated by the box. The twist was it had different kinds. The regular kind of course and disgusting flavors like ear-wax, spinach, dirt, and just about any other kind of disgusting thing you can think of. Who the hell created such a stupid thing?! Was this some kind of game or something? It made me afraid to stick my hand back in there least I got something I hated, so I gave the whole box to Ron.

"Really? Are you sure?" he asked eating another one.

"Yeah. The next one might be something gross like buggers!" I said pushing it towards him. "What a waste of money! Whoever created them should be burned at the stake!"

"Suit yourself." he said eating another one. "Mm! Chocolate!"

"Lucky!" I huffed as I ate a cauldron cake. After eating what we could eat, Ron asked to see my scar. I pushed back my hair, revealing my lightening bolt scar.

"Cool. Does it hurt?" he asked breathlessly.

"Nope." I shrugged. "I guess it's cool though. I know once class starts, people are gonna know I'm not Dickard Nixen and I'll have everyone staring at my scar."

"Speaking of classes, what house do you want to be in?"

"House?" Ron then explained the house systems to me. Gryffindor were the brave ones, Ravenclaw were the smarty pants, Hufflepuff were the loyal ones (although Ron acted as if that was a bad thing because he thought they were lame), and Slytherin was the house you didn't want to be in because a lot of the bad guys were associated with them.

"I bet I'll be in Hufflepuff." Ron pouted. "I'm not very brave."

"Being loyal isn't bad." I said optimistically. "It helps not to be stabbed in the back. Someone might be **_brave_** enough to hurt you, **_evil_** enough to actually literally stab you, or _**smart** _ even to get away with it."

"I guess. It's just that everyone in my family's been in there and I doubt I'm smart enough to be in be in Ravenclaw." he sighed.

"Well I'd rather be in Hufflepuff." I said. "I want my henchmen I mean friends to be loyal!"

"If you say so." he took out his wand. "You wanna see something cool?"

"Oh! Are you gonna do a spell?" When he nodded, I felt jealous. It helped to be from a wizarding family and it made we wonder how many other kids knew spells. Shit! Everyone probably had an advantage over me.

"My brothers told me one. Watch!" he then proceeded to take out A DAMN RAT! For the second time that day, I screamed like a bitch. "Harry! Calm down! You're scaring Scabbers!"

"W-what did you just say?" I said looking at him. Did I just hear what he just said right? Did he really name a RAT?

"Scabbers, he's..."

"Ron, once you name it, you get attached to it! Kill it!"

"What?! No! He's my pet." he then proceeded to **_stroke_** the damn thing. "He was my brother's and I got him."

"So he's a hand me down rat. Is this what poor people do? Hand down their rodents?!" I slapped my hands over my mouth, but it was too late. He had heard it and was insulted.

"Ron, I'm so sorry!" I apologized. "I didn't mean it!"

"Yes you did! Just because you have more money than me, you think you're better than me!"

"Not really." I mean I kind of am when you think about it. "It just slipped out because I don't like rats. It was out of line. My bad. _**Your** _ rat is pretty cool though. How'd he lose his finger?"

Ron hesitated for a minute. "I don't know. He was like that when he was found. He might have lost it in a fight with another rat."

"Bet that would've been cool to see." I said smiling a little.

"Maybe." he shrugged.

"So are you gonna show me the spell or not."

Ron thought about it before placing Scabbers down. Before he could perform the spell, the guy whose ass had gotten Ron's sandwich on him came into our compartment. "Excuse me, have you seen a toad?"

Ron shook his head. "Wait a minute, you lost a what now?" I asked.

"A toad. He's this big." he gestures how big he was and I could have smacked him. First off for having a damn toad of all things and second for losing something that fucking huge!

"Nope haven't seen him."

"Well if you see him..." he didn't say anything else and just left.

"If **_I_** see him, he's never seeing that bastard again!" I said shaking my head. "Out the window!"

"Toads are pretty gross." Ron wrinkled his nose. "They're all slimy."

"Now that fat ass is gone, show me the spell!" Just as he was about to do it, the fat kid came back with a girl with the biggest front teeth I've ever seenand hair bushier than bigfoot's!

"DAMN! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!" I asked before either could speak.

"Excuse me?" she said looking taken aback.

"Does your mother know what a brush is or was she too busy building a dam?" I asked. Ron bit his lip, but I knew he wanted to laugh.

"How rude!" was all she said looking red in the face either out of embarrassment, anger, or both. "I didn't come here to be insulted! I was just looking for Neville's toad!"

"We've told him we haven't already." pointed out Ron trying to hold back laughter.

"Oh you're doing magic?" she asked noticing Ron's wand out. "Let's see it then."

She plopped down beside him. Well invite yourself in then. "Uh okay. Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, Turn this stupid, fat rat yellow." He waved his wand, but nothing happened. Scabbers stayed gray.

"Well that was stupid." I said disappointed. "Maybe you said it wrong."

"I'm sure I said it right." he scratched his head.

"Are you sure that's a real spell?"

"Of course it is!" exclaimed Ron. "My brothers taught it to me!"

"Well, it's not very good, is it? I've tried a few simple spells just for practice and it's all worked for me. Nobody in my family's magic at all, it was ever such a surprise when I got my letter, but I was ever so pleased, of course, I mean, it's the very best school of witchcraft there is, I've heard - I've learned all our course books by heart, of course, I just hope it will be enough - I'm Hermione Granger, by the way, who are you." she said in a fast voice all the while with a know it all voice.

"You learned **_all_** the books by heart?" I asked with wide eyes. How the hell did she do that? I saw those books...well how thick they were. She remembered all of them. Nah, I'm not buying it. She's just talking out of her asshole! Ron seemed to believe it though along with the liverwurst kid.

"All of it. Haven't you looked over your books?"

"Fuck no!"

"Do you really have to use such strong language?" she asked making a face.

"Do you have to act like a know it all?" I said rolling my eyes.

"I can't help **_some_** of us want to learn." she turned to Ron. "What's your name?"

"Ron Weasley."

"And I'm Dickard Nixen." I said keeping up the lie.

"Do either of you know what houses you're in?" she asked. "I've been asking around. I hope I'm in Gryffindor. It sounds by far the best. I hear Dumbledore himself was in it, but I suppose Ravenclaw wouldn't be too bad. Anyway, we'd better go and look for Neville's toad. You two had better change, you know, I expect we'll be there soon."

She left before either of us could respond. "What a cow."

"I know. I hope she doesn't get put into the same house as me." said Ron shaking his head. "I can't believe it didn't work. Bet they knew the darn thing didn't work!"

"We'll get 'em back." I assured him. "So, you say your brothers are in Gryffindor?"

"Yeah, all of them. My older two brothers, Bill and Charlie, were in there too. Charlie trains dragons and Bill works Gringotts." he said looking depressed. "Everyone in my family has done something great."

"Dragons?! Ron, you should probably be happy you're not with dragons or working for those ugly fuckers." I said shuddering. Dragons were cool to **_look_** at, but fuck working with them. As for Bill, why the hell would he want to work for those ugly fuckers?

"What's your Quidditch team?"

"What?"

"Oh right! I completely forgot!" He then began explaining what the fuck that game was. From what I could make out, it was like a combination of soccer* and basketball except on brooms and you could get get hit by huge fucking balls. Sounded dangerous...I have to see that! Just as Ron was really getting into it, guess who walked in? Yep, Tit Sucker and the Nipple Squad.

* * *

*Football if you prefer.


	7. Chapter 7

"They're saying Harry Potter's on this train. Is that you?" he asked. Would this bastard ever leave me the fuck alone?

"Who wants to know?"

"I believe we got on the wrong foot before." he said although I didn't confirm or deny I was Harry Potter. "I'm Draco Malfoy and this is Crabbe and Goyle." Ron snickered at Draco's name. He looked at Ron. "Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask who you are. My father told me all the Weasleys have red hair, freckles, and more children than they can afford."

'Damn! He straight up ROASTED your ass!' I thought amused. I wanted to say it out loud _so_ badly, but I already fucked up once and couldn't afford to do it again.

He turned back to Harry. "You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to gon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there."

He reached out a hand. I thought about it. "Uh thanks, but I got it." I didn't want to touch his hands. How was I supposed to know where those things were? "I'm pretty sure I can figure out who the wrong type is."

For some reason, he decided to be a little shit about this and said something that made me want to slap the shit out of him. "I'd be careful if I were you, Potter. Unless you're a bit politer you'll go the same way as your parents. They didn't know what was good for them, either. You hang around with riffraff like the Weasleys and that Hagrid, and it'll rub off on you."

"OH HELL TO THE FUCK NO!" I yelled slamming my hands down on the table. Even though that really hurt, I wanted to strangle the little cocksucker! He **_dared_ ** to say that kind of shit to _**me**_!? Oh if only I knew some spells already, the little bastard would get so fucked up his own dog wouldn't know it was him! If those huge fuckers weren't behind him, I'd go to town on his ass! He'd better not go anywhere alone because when that day came, he was forever fucked!

"Say that again!" said Ron equally angry. Then one of the fat ones reached for a chocolate frog and got bit by Ron's rat. I may have hated rats, but I would make an exception for him. He howled in pain and swung around his hand not even trying to get the rat off. It took a while, but Scabbers finally flew off and hit the window with a thunk. Once he was off, the big baby left along with Malfoy.

"Is he okay?" I asked concerned. That rat was a hero in my eyes and I hoped he wasn't dead.

"Yeah. I-I think so. He's just knock-wait a minute." he rolled his eyes. "He's sleeping!"

"The hell? That's one tough rat." I said going as far as to pet him gently.

"I suppose."

"What's going on in here?" Hermione was back. What the hell was she doing? Trying to be the cops?

Ron pretty much ignored her and asked me how we knew each other. I explained the meeting in Diagon Alley to him while Ron explained what he knew of his family. Apparently his family worked for You-Know-Who (again who the fuck is he?!) and once he had his downfall, they were the first to come running back claiming they were bewitched. I told him that they were full of shit and Ron said his dad thought the same. He paused for a minute and looked up at Hermione.

"Can we help you?" he asked raising a brow.

"You'd better put your robes on." she said. "The conductor says we're nearly there. You haven't been fighting have you?"

"It was..." started Ron.

"Will you get your noisy ass out of here?!" I snapped. "Geez, what the hell are you? The fucking cops!?"

"I was just..."

"Shoo! Nosy bitch!" I said gesturing for her to leave. She narrowed her eyes at me and left. "It's like she wants us or something."

"I know right?" the red head shook his head. "Come on. Let's get our stuff."

We put on our things and put away our snacks. I couldn't help but to notice that his robes were a little shorter than what they were supposed to be and I felt bad. I knew how it felt to get hand me downs especially ones that don't quite fit. However where my aunt and uncle could afford new clothes for me, Ron's couldn't. Once we got there, I saw Hagrid who waved at me and I waved back to him. He was pretty cool so why not? We got into a boat to cross the water and guess who got into our boat? Captain Naggy and her sidekick, Toad boy who apparently found his pet but lost it AGAIN. When we arrived to the castle, Hagrid was checking the boats just in case any of us left something and he ended up finding the toad.

"Trevor!" Neville said taking the fat frog from him. I wish I had found him. I would have thrown him into the lake.

When we got inside, there was an old hag there to greet us. She looked kind of scary and the type to beat your hand with a ruler if you acted up. I made a mental note to draw a crude picture of her and blame it on Draco "the tit sucker" Malfoy. Hagrid introduced her as Professor McGonagall. She took charge of us and lead her down a large hallway for a while until stopping. She explained to us that in a few moments we would be sorted into different houses and to ready ourselves before looking us over with critical eyes before walking away.

"Old stanky ass bitch." I mumbled.

"Who said that?" she asked turning around.

"Neville, why'd you say that to that nice woman?" I asked the fat kid.

"H-huh?" he asked with a lost look. She made a "I'm watching you" gesture at Neville. Nevilla tried saying something, but couldn't get the words out of his mouth. Hermione turned to me.

"Why did you do that?" she asked angrily.

"Because I wanted to, that's why! Do something!" I challenged her. "Because that fat fuck isn't!" I turned to Ron. "Do you know how we're gonna get sorted?"

"Fred says it's painful, but I think he was joking."

"Wouldn't be the first time he was full of shit." I said remembering the spell that was supposed to change Scabbers yellow.

"True." We talked about what kind of things they could be doing to place us in a house when the doors opened to let us in. The inside held long table with students already sitting there with their house colors on. There were candles floating in the air (fire hazard #1) with the ceiling lit up like the night sky. It was pretty awesome...until I saw the hat Professor McGonagall had. It was old and dusty and kind of terrifying. It twitched scaring the shit outta and it began talking. I wanted to faint. That hat was scary as fuck! I hope that shit wasn't going to stick around.

"So we've just got to try on the hat!" Ron whispered to Harry. "I'll kill Fred, he was going on about wrestling a troll."

I nodded, but to be honest I think I'd rather go against a fucking troll than to put that shit on my head. McGonagall had a long list of names and instructed us to sit on the stool to be placed into a House when our name was called out. Whelp, I was hoping to run with Dickard Nixen for a while now, but fuck it. May as well get it over with. It took a while, but eventually it reached Captain Naggy and she was in Gryffindor. Ron groaned although I didn't really find myself doing this. I wanted to be in Hufflepuff and if I was, I didn't have to deal with her nosy ass. Toad Boy was in Gryffindor too which threw me off.

"Looks like that hat's ugly **_and_** dumb." I whispered to Ron.

I waited until it was my turn and when that moment arrived, I wasn't ready. That hat looked scary up close and I didn't want that shit on my head. I tried dodging it being put on my head to the point where a few students either giggled thinking I was trying to be funny or get attention, but I wasn't. That shit is terrifying! What if it tried to kill me!? What if it did something horrifying?

"Hold still Mr. Potter!" McGonagall demanded.

I nearly told her wrinkly ass up, but once she grabbed me I stopped moving. I could hear that THING whispering in my ear, debating on where to place me. I was too scared to say or do anything. I was shaking like a leaf up there. Then I thought about it. The longer I let that THING debate the longer I'd be here. I hissed Hufflepuff, but the THING acted as if it couldn't hear and yelled GRYFFINDOR. I fainted. FUCK.


	8. Chapter 8

When I woke up, I was in a bed in what looked like a poor man's hospital room. I figured it had something to do with them being old fashioned. I sat up and hopped out of bed just as Ron came in. I waved him over and he came up to me. "Harry, are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Just still getting over the shock I'm in fucking Gryffindor." I said shaking my head. "Damn scary ass hat! I told it Hufflepuff, but that thing wouldn't listen!"

"At least we'll be in there together." he said trying to make me look on the bright side. I shrugged and then asked him what happened after I fainted. He said there was a huge fuss over me and some people were even saying something about You-Know-Who trying to possess me.

"Well that's a load of bullshit." I said. "I was just overwhelmed by being put in the wrong fucking house combined with that stupid hat scaring the shit out of me. We then moved onto a different subject with me asking about dinner and I wished I hadn't. He described delicious, mouth watering foods and deserts. It sounded glorious and I didn't get a bite of it!

The nurse caught us talking and asked how I was feeling. I told her I was fine and she asked if I was hungry. She gave me some food to eat and let Ron stay with me until I finished eating. Afterwards we went up the stairs and boy were there a lot of them. Did they really have to make the dorms so fucking high up? Safety hazard number 2! As we climbed, I couldn't help but to think that if one wanted to, they could fling themselves off the stairs and land on an unsuspecting student or teacher. Once in our dorm that we shared with two other boys, I jumped into bed an went to sleep. I couldn't wait for tomorrow!

Tomorrow turned out to be a big fucking disappointment. History of Magic stunk and was the most boring subject I've ever had the displeasure of hearing. From the sounds of it, it sounded like it **_should_** have been interesting, but it was one huge borefest! Professor Flitwick's class was alright. He was midget and fell off his stacks of books when he called out my name. Now that was hilarious. Then Professor McGongall was a cock tease! She turned her desk into a pig and then back into a desk. As it turned out, it would be YEARS before we got around to that. Instead we had to turn a match into a needle and of course the know it all was the only mother fucker in the class who knew how. Professor Quirell's class was a bore too. He claimed he did all this great shit, but when someone asked he danced around it and talked about the weather. I got my shit and started to walk out.

"M-mr Potter, w-where are you g-going?" he asked and everyone looked at me.

"Outta here. Your classroom seems like asscheeks and you ain't shit." I then walked out, but came back the next time we had his class because it was boring being alone since one couldn't roam the hallways with Filch walking around with his nosy ass cat.

When Friday came, I was happy the weekend was coming up although we had a shit ton of homework thanks to McGongall being old and no fun. "I can't believe I can't enjoy the weekend just because that old bat."

"I know." agreed Ron. "What do we have today anyways? I hope whoever it is doesn't add onto the load."

"Someone named Professor Snape." I said looking at our schedule.

"I heard about him." said Ron biting into some of his toast. "He's the head of Slytherin and apparently he favors them."

"I wish that old bitch favored us." I grumbled. Just then the morning mail came through. I never got shit because I don't have anyone sending me anything. The first time the owls came in, I nearly had a heart attack and thought they were here for blood. Turns out it's just packages and mail from family members and not death by birds. Hedwig always came during this time to hang out, eat some breakfast, and then head off. Today she actually had something for me. It was from Hagrid asking me to come by and tell him how school was working out for me. I flipped the letter over and told him I'd meet up with him later.

After breakfast, we went down to Potions which was located in the dungeons. The fuck? This was a fucking dungeon?! Not only was I beyond creeped out at this fact, but I also was scared if something happened, no one would hear our screams. Inside was some sexy mother fucker who served as our teacher. When he called out names, he stopped at mine and made somewhat of a snarky remark at my expense that made Tit-sucker giggled. After all the names had been called, he made a little speech and it had me mesmerized by both his mysterious aura and sexy voice. Besides that little remark, I was interested in what he had to say.

"Hopefully this group won't prove to be a bunch of dunderhead as the ones I usually teach." he finished. I felt his eyes look at mine and I felt my cheeks grow a little red. "Potter!"

"Y-yes sir?" I asked nervously.

"What would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

I was at a lost for words. Uh what? I didn't know what the hell any of that meant and Ron wasn't any help with it. I kind of wish I had actually read up on the subject before I came in here. Nobody else seemed to know except Hermione who had her hand raised. I was embarrassed I didn't know anything for the first time in that week. The rest of our teachers didn't expect us to know anything since some of us were from non-magical families or only knew a little. Was I supposed to know this as some kind of prerequired reading?

"I don't know, sir." I said hanging my head down in shame. He smirked.

"Fame clearly hasn't done anything for you, has it?" he said in a mocking voice. "Could you tell me where you would find a bezoar?"

I thought about the little I had read, but couldn't think of if I had ever read over that just yet. I sighed, defeated. "No."

I could clearly hear Tit McSucker cracking up, but I bet anything if Snape asked them they wouldn't know. I didn't see them with their hands raised. He asked me a few more questions, all of which I didn't know. Why the hell was he asking me when someone clearly knew the answer? How the hell did he except me know all this shit? I didn't care if he was hot as shit, when he asked me once more I pointed out Hermione.

"I don't know any of this stuff!" I said. "That buck tooth beaver. She has her hand raised. Why don't you ask her?"

A few dared to snicker at this while Hermione pretty much ignored me insulting her. He didn't like what I said and from the looks of it, it wasn't because of what I had said about Hermione. He told Hermione to stand her ass down (well actually just saying sit down) and then answered the previous questions himself and we all copied what he said down. Not only that, but he also took away a point. That wasn't the last time either. When we got around to actually making potions, I learned the hard way he liked Tit Sucker. He was probably his secret love child or something. Just as he had finished praising the little shit, Neville burned a hole in Seamus's cauldron and ended up with boils popping all over his skin. Then for whatever reason, Snape blamed **_ME_** for not stopping him just because I was near him and the bastard took a point! What the hell was his deal?

I had started to say, "It's not my fault the fat bastard can't do anything worth a damn!" but then Ron kicked me and told me not to. "Why the hell not?" I hissed after Snape had left us be while Seamus took Toad Boy to the hospital wing.

"I heard he can get pretty nasty." he whispered. "Best not to make him made."

It still wasn't fucking fair. Neville messed himself up. He better not let me catch him in a dark hallway I thought bitterly as I went back to making the potion. We went to visit Hagrid later and hung out a bit with him. He had a huge ass dog there which I took a liking to. I've always wanted a dog. Once I get away from the Dursleys, I wanted one just like Hagrid's. I told him about Snape being an ass especially towards me. Hagrid said he didn't like any of his students and I thought of Tit Sucker. He seemed to like him pretty well although it was true for pretty much everyone else. When I mentioned he seemed to hate me the most, Hagrid told me I was just imagining things but he didn't look me in the eyes when he said it. Did he know something I didn't? Why the hell would Snape hate me? I was adorable for fucks sake! He changed the subject to Ron's older brother and that was the end of our conversation about Snape's mean ass. When dinner time arrived, we took some of Hagrid's cakes which were hard as hell. I wanted to tell Hagrid to learn how to cook for himself, but then I thought of an idea. I could really do some damage with these hard ass cakes and I knew who my first victims were going to be.


	9. Chapter 9

I was starting to hate Hogwarts and pretty fast at that. The work load was heavier than I've ever seen before and guess what? Barely any magic went on at all! At least the magic we were doing. I had been pumped up to go to this damned school and so far it was a complete bust. We had to write essays that had to be a certain length and barely had time to practice the shitty spell we'd been given. To top it all off, I had to deal with Tit Sucker and company in potions. The worst part was that I once more had to endure him more than I should. We only had potions with slytherins, but then we got a notice on the bulletin board. We had flying lessons. It didn't sound bad and I was excited for it only not be so excited for it when I realized that mean dealing with Sir Sucks-A-Lot and his goons and that we probably wouldn't be doing anything exciting like I had hoped it would be. I wanted to fly on a broom and found myself getting more and more hyped as I heard stories of how everyone with a magical background rode broomsticks before. While some of us we excited, there was a lot of people nervous. Captain Naggy couldn't learn out of a book about how to properly do it since this isn't the sort of thing that you can just learn that way without hands on experience. Neville was the most nervous given how his grandmother refused to let him near one and we all knew why. As clumsy and accident prone as Neville was, I wouldn't doubt it that his grandma wouldn't be a big fan of letting that clumsy ox on a broom even a low riding one if there was such a thing. Tit McSucksalot meanwhile bragged how good he was at both flying and quidditch, but Ron told me he might be full of it. I bet he is, ol' cocky mother fucker.

Outside the brooms were all set up for us to use and we had a flying teacher named Madame Hooch. I wanted to laugh at her name, but something about her terrified me a little. Maybe it was those eyes of her's that for some reason resembled that of a hawk's was she part hawk or something? She had instructed us on how to get out brooms to jump into our hands and how to properly get on them. Sure enough, Malfoy was full of it and I don't mean of breast milk. He acted as if he had done this for years and our teacher was quick to tell him he was doing it the wrong way for years. The little ho probably never even sat on a broom before the little shit.

"Now, when I blow my whistle, you kick off from the ground hard," said Madam Hooch. "Keep your brooms steady, rise a few feet, and then come straight back down by leaning forward slightly. On my whistle..."

Toad-Boy for some odd reason took off into the air before she could press the whistle to her lips. He was terrified and his pale face really showed it. We could only look up at him in amazement as he floated higher and higher. He was shaking pretty bad and looked about ready to faint. Then he let go and fell to his death. We all gasped when he hit the ground while his broom drifted away to who knows where. Hooch said something about a broken wrist and I thought "Bullshit!" How the hell did he live from falling from that height? He was lucky he only broke a wrist instead of being sent home in a body bag or breaking his damn spine or every single bone in his body!

"None of you are to move while I take this boy to the hospital wing! You leave those brooms where they are or you'll be out of Hogwarts before you can say 'Quidditch.' Come on, dear." With that she lead him away. I thought about getting on my broom and riding around like a boss but I didn't want to end up like that kid. Plus I was pretty sure that Captain Naggy would snitch on me for doing so if some other asshole didn't beat her to it. I was sure that we weren't going to be sent home just for riding on a broom, but I wasn't taking any chances even if the spells we learned were shitty.

While Tit Sucker and his buddies snickered at Toad boy, I noticed that Neville had dropped his Remembrall on the ground. I could sell that shit on ebay for something. Then that Tit Sucker picked it up off the ground before I could grab it. "It's that stupid thing Longbottom's grandmother sent him."

"Drop it, Malfoy," I demanded. He only smirked at me in response as the other kids looked at us.

"You're right, Potter. I should drop it," He looked at a tree at the other side of the field. "How about in a tree? Should be funny seeing the tub of lard try and get from up there.

As humorous as it would be to see Neville's tubby ass up in a tree and failing miserably, I needed the cash more especially since I couldn't get to the fortune I got from my parents once school got out. There was no way I was letting Malfoy put that shit in a tree since I hated climbing. Malfoy hopped on his broom and took off into the air with me right behind him. I roomed all over the place behind him getting right up on his bitch ass.

"Give it back you, fucker!" I yelled. "When I get my hands on your Milk Suckling Ass, your little minions won't be able to save you!"

Malfoy seemed to have only now realized it since he got even higher and dropped it. "You want it back then catch it, Potter!"

As much as I wanted to beat Malfoy's ass for trying me, I needed to get that thing back to sell it. I dived down and caught it with the grass just barely touching it. I barely had time to react when I heard Professor McGonagall call my name. Oh fuck.

"Never in all my time at Hogwarts...!" Professor McGonagall looked mad as fuck and looked like she wanted to ring my neck. "How dare you...! You might have broken your neck!"

I thought about saying, "I didn't though" but I knew I was going to get into even more trouble if I said that. She lead me to Professor Flitwick's classroom and asked for something called Wood. I gulped in fear thinking that it was some kind of paddle they were going to be using. Instead it was an older guy named Wood who looked just about as confused as me. We sent each other a "Who the fuck are you?" look before we were lead into an empty classroom where McGonagall told him that she found him a new seeker.

"Are you serious, Professor?" Wood said looking excited.

"Absolutely," said Professor McGonagall. "The boy's a natural. I've never seen anything like it. Was that your first time on a broomstick, Potter?"

"Yes ma'am," I said nodding. What did she mean by me being a natural? As a matter of fact, why question anything? I wasn't getting sent home so the best thing to do was to just be good and see what they had planned for me.

"He caught that thing in his hand after a fifty-foot dive," Professor McGonagall told Wood. "Didn't even scratch himself. Charlie Weasley couldn't have done it."

Wood was now looking as though all his dreams had come true at once. "Ever seen a game of Quidditch, Potter?" he asked excitedly. I shook my head.

"Wood's captain of the Gryffindor team," Professor McGonagall explained.

"He's just the build for a Seeker, too," said Wood, now walking around me, looking me over. Creep. "Light and speedy. We'll have to get him a decent broom, Professor. a Nimbus Two Thousand or a Cleansweep Seven, I'd say."

"I shall speak to Professor Dumbledore and see if we can't bend the first-year rule. Heaven knows, we need a better team than last year. Flattened in that last match by Slytherin, I couldn't look Severus Snape in the face for weeks."

Geez how bad where they that they needed a first year to play? And she wasn't able to look Snape in the face? I could look him in the face for hours if I could! Alas Snape was probably married, the beautiful beast.

"I want to hear you're training hard, Potter, or I may change my mind about punishing you." Then she suddenly smiled. "Your father would have been proud. He was an excellent Quidditch player himself."

When I finally allowed to leave after Wood spoke to me some more about Quidditch practice and wanting to keep it a secret for while, I scooted off to tell EVERYONE. And when I say everyone I meant Ron. He knew more than me about the sport so maybe he could give me some pointers. Me being a "natural" was luck then again she did mention my father being a Quidditch player once so maybe it ran in the family? Didn't mean I could be good at it though. Just in case I wasn't, I needed all the help I could get.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know ebay didn't exist when Harry first starts school, but just pretend it did.


	10. Chapter 10

"That's amazing, Harry!" grinned Ron after I had finished telling him about what had happened at dinner. "I can't believe it! You have to be the youngest seeker in about a century!"

"That's what the captain told me," I shrugged. "I start training tomorrow. You know, as much as I find Hogwarts boring so far since we don't get to do shit at the moment, at least I have something interesting to write home about...uh so to speak."

"I wish I could play Quidditch," pouted Ron.

"Maybe they'll let you play too. You know more about the game than I do."

"I doubt it. With the way you rode that broom I don't think I can pull that off without a lot a of practice."

"Well maybe..." Before I could tell Ron we could practice together, the fucking reds, aka Ron's older twin brothers, showed up.

"Well done," said George in a low voice. "Wood told us about you. We're on the team too as Beaters."

"I tell you, we're going to win that Quidditch cup for sure this year," said Fred enthusiastically. "We haven't won since Charlie left, but this year's team is going to be brilliant. You must be good, Harry, since Wood was almost skipping when he told us."

"Anyway, we've got to go, Lee Jordan reckons he's found a new secret passageway out of the school."

"Bet it's that one behind the statue of Gregory the Smarmy that we found in our first week. See you."

Wait did they just say something about a secret passage? OUTSIDE?! I needed to see that for myself and go have some adventures cuz fuck being inside! As much as I wanted to creep after them, Titty Sucker and his buddies showed up. Great. He was here to start some shit.

"Having a last meal, Potter? When are you getting the train back to the Muggles?" He said smirking at me.

"I dunno. When are you going to stop breast feeding?" I retorted. His minions looked as if they wanted to do something, so I challenged them. "Do something! I dare you! I double dare you, mother fucker!"

Of course nothing happened considering the teachers were going to intervene pretty fast so they just stood there menacingly or at tried to since I knew Malfoy still liked his mother breast milk even though he was far too old for it. Then Malfoy challenged me to a duel but with wands. I didn't know shit about how to duel much less know what Wwizard Dueling was and hoped Ron would get me out of doing it in order for me to figure out what it was and practice. Instead he only made things worse and said I knew what it was and that he was coming with to be my second. At least he was going down with me. Malfoy told us that Crabbe was his second and to meet up in the trophy room which for some reason was always unlocked.

"Sooooo wanna explain what that was back there and what the hell is a 'second'?"

"A second is if the first person dueling dies," He explained a bit too calmly.

"IF I WHAT?!" I squeaked.

"You don't have to worry about that happening," He said quickly noticing my panicking. "You two won't be able to do much since we're just first years. It'll mostly be just harmless sparks."

"It better be," I said as I poked at my food. Then I thought about it. "Wait, what if nothing happens when I wave my wand?"

"Just punch him in the nose and..." He paused and looked up. "Can we help you?" When I looked up too, low and behold there was Captain Naggy. What the hell did she want? "Can't anyone eat in peace around here?"

She flat out ignored him and spoke to me. "I couldn't help overhearing what you and Malfoy were saying..."

"Bet you could," Ron muttered.

She ignored him once more. "...and you mustn't go wandering around the school at night. Think of the points you'll lose for Gryffindor if you're caught and you're bound to be. It's really very selfish of you."

"I don't gave a damn!" I told her. "That fucker needs his ass whooped. Who cares if I lose some stupid points? So what?"

"People will be mad at you and..."

"Like I said. Who cares. And it's none of your business anyways." When I turned back to Ron, I felt like she was still there, but when I looked she was gone. Probably off to go nag some more people.

Later Ron gave me some tips on dueling. While we were laying in our room, I thought about how to beat the shit outta Malfoy. Filth didn't scare me and neither did his stupid cat! When it was time, we snuck out of the room after getting dressed. Downstairs we met Captain Naggy wearing a comfortable looking pink robe! Of course she would be back. Why the heck was she so obsessed with not losing points? It wasn't like she was the one who won majority of the points. As smart as she was, she could easily get back more points for us.

"You again!" said Ron and I at the same time.

"You may as well go back to bed," I said. "We're still going."

"I almost told your brother, Ron" Captain Naggy said. "You know Percy's a prefect. He'd put a stop to this."

That string bean fucking ugly red couldn't stop us if he tried! I turned to Ron. "Come on. We'd better go before Ol' Milksucker thinks we're not coming."

As we pushed open the door, she was right behind us, nagging all the way. Persistent little bitch isn't she?"Don't you care about Gryffindor, do you only care about yourselves, I don't want Slytherin to win the house cup, and you'll lose all the points I got from Professor McGonagall for knowing about Switching Spells."

"Nobody cares!" I told her. Why wouldn't she just go away? If she really wanted those points, she should have just told Ron's brother like she was in the first place! Geez this bitch was annoying!

"All right, but I warned you, you just remember what I said when you're on the train home tomorrow, you're so..." She had turned back to the portrait to get back in when she found herself unable to get in since the fatty was gone for the night. "S-she's gone! I can't get in!"

"No shit."

"No! What am I going to do!?" She said turning back to us.

"That's your problem," said Ron. "We've got to go, we're going to be late."

We left her be only for her to come with us. "I'm coming with you."

"What?" We looked at each other and then back at her.

"Do you think I'm going to stand out here and wait for Filch to catch me? If he finds all three of us I'll tell him the truth, that I was trying to stop you, and you can back me up."

"You've got some nerve...!" said Ron loudly.

"Sh!" I said holding up a finger. We slowly went down the corridor only to find that the noise we were hearing was Toad Boy. When we got closer, he woke up. "Thank goodness you found me! I've been out here for hours, I couldn't remember the new password to get in to bed."

"It's 'Pig Snout' but it won't do you any good though," said Hermione. "She's gone out for tonight. How's your arm?"

"It's feeling better. Madame..."

"Who the fuck cares?" I said irritated. "We got shit to do. Come on, Ron. I know Milksucker'll think I chickened out."

"Don't leave me!" said Neville, scrambling to his feet, "I don't want to stay here alone, the Bloody Baron's been past twice already."

"Damn it! First this buck toothed beaver and now this fat fuck! ANYONE ELSE WANNA JOIN!?" I slapped my hand over my mouth and looked around. Thankfully Filth and his cat didn't show up so we left.

When we got to the trophy room, the Titsucker and his minions hadn't shown up or had they? I had my wand out just in case he was hiding. Then we heard that old bastard lurking with his cat. We tried going for a hiding spot but Toad Boy ended up tripping and falling on Ron who landed on a suit of armor. Damn it, fatty! Now even if Titty Boy was showing up to duel it was ruined by the fat fuck! Any chances of hiding were now gone as I'm pretty sure Filth would search ever fucking crack to find us and send us home! Fuck losing points.

"EVERYONE FOR HIMSELF!" I yelled as I took off running. All of us took off running, hauling ass all the way to Charms class. As old as he was, he wasn't going to be able to follow though his cat would. However we could easily kick the cat HARD cuz I hated that fucking cat. Of course that stupid beaver had to talk shit.

"I told you...," Hermione said trying to catch her breath. "I...told...you."

"I know!" I said rolling my eyes.

"Malfoy tricked you," Hermione said to me. "You realize that, don't you? He was never going to meet you. Filch knew someone was going to be in the trophy room. Malfoy **_must_ ** have tipped him off."

Damn it. I should have known! That piece of shit had no honor! That coward wanted to talk shit and couldn't back it up! I hate to admit it, but she was right! Just shook my head and told everyone that we should go. Then the worst thing happened...Peeves came out of one of the classrooms and gave away our location just to be an asshole. That fucker!

"FIRST YEAR STUDENTS OUT OF BED! LOCATED IN THE CHARMS CORRIDOR!" He yelled as he laughed. I wanted a rock at him but no time even if I had one. We ran off down the corridor before getting to a door at the end of the corridor. We tried getting inside of the room, but it was locked! Of course it did!

"This is it!" Ron moaned, as they pushed helplessly at the door, "We're done for! This is the end!" We could hear footsteps, Filch running as fast as he could toward Peeves's shouts.

"Shut up you fucking ugly red!" I cried out as Toad Boy began squealing like a pig.

"Oh, move over," She grabbed my wand, tapped the lock, and whispered, "Alohomora!"

The door unlocked and we all scrambled inside and slammed the door closed. As we pressed our ears against the door, Ron suddenly realized what I said before. "Did you just call me an ugly red?"

"Uuuuuuuuuh...shut up, Ron. I hear Filch!" I hissed.

"Which way did they go, Peeves?" Filch was saying.

"Quick, tell me."

"Say 'please."

"Don't mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?"

"Shan't say nothing if you don't say please," said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice.

"All right. Please."

"NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!" And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage.

"YOU BASTARD! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!" He yelled as he went after him.

"He thinks this door is locked," I guessed. "We should go before he finds a way to...will you get your fat, sweaty ass off of me, Toady Boy! I don't want warts! What could you possibly want anyways, you...?"

When I turned to see what he wanted, I was glad I did. We weren't in a another room but a large corridor and in it was a large three headed dog growling at us and showing off their large sharp teeth. I was glad I used the bathroom before we left. I wanted to scream at the terrifying site of the monstrous dog, but I was too afraid to. Well looks like it was time to leave. I didn't give a damn if Filth and his cat caught us. It was better than dealing with that dog! When we got back to the tower, I didn't even tell off the Fat Lady for not being there to let Hermione back inside. When we got inside, Ron brought up the dog.

"What do they think they're doing, keeping a thing like that locked up in a school?" said Ron.

When Captain Naggy had got both her breath and her bad temper back again. "You don't use your eyes, any of you, do you?" she snapped. "Didn't you see what it was standing on?"

"Are you serious?" I said narrowing my eyes at her. "Who the fuck has time to? THERE WAS A BIG FUCKING DOG THAT WAS ABOUT TO EAT US!"

"It was standing on a trapdoor. It's obviously guarding something." She stood up, glaring at them. "I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed or worse, expelled. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to bed."

When she and her sidekick left, I decided to talk to Ron a bit more. "How in the world did she see that under that big ass dog?"

"I haven't the slightest clue," Ron shrugged. "I wonder why they would have that thing in the school. Maybe that's why Filch didn't go in there."

"You think he knows?"

"He works here so he might know." He thought for a few second. "You know that Hermione has some nerve saying that to us. You would think from hearing her that we made her come."

"It's her own fault she came," I said shaking my head. "I can't stand her! She's so noisy!"

"Yeah. I'd wish she'd butt out of our business. We'd better get to sleep. It's late."

* * *

The next day, the look on Titty Sucker's face was priceless and it also became clear he either snitched or just wanted to see if Filth really did find us. If only I could go over there and beat his ass. Meanwhile I told Ron about Hagrid's package I had seen him have back at the bank. Toad Boy wasn't interested as he didn't want to think about the dog. Meanwhile Captain Naggy wouldn't speak to us, not that we cared. She was a fucking beaver and should be with her own kind too. I mean if she could even find more bastard beavers that liked to bitch at everyone.

During breakfast the owls came in and I got a package that landed on my plate, knocking it over. "You fucking fucking bastard!" I yelled at it as it gave me my letter. When I opened it up, it told me that it was my new broom and not to open it. "HAPPY MONKEY TITS!"

It got a little quiet in the hall and I looked around myself as people wondered who said that. When the talking started back up, I showed Ron the letter. "You got a Nimbus 2,000! You're so lucky! I've never even touched one before."

"You can now! Let's go unwrap it!" We got up and hurried off to unwrap the box. Unfortunately the snitch showed up and took it from me.

"It's a broomstick." He said after feeling the package and then tossed it back. "You're not supposed to have those."

"What are you gonna do about it? SNITCH LIKE YOU DID LAST NIGHT?!"

"It's not any old broomstick!" He interrupted Malfoy before he could retort. "It's a Nimbus Two Thousand. What did you say you've got at home, Malfoy, a Comet Two Sixty?" Ron grinned as Malfoy clinched his fists. "Comets look flashy, but they're not in the same league as the Nimbus."

"So technically I have a better broom than him?" I smirked at Malfoy. "Jealous, Tit Boy?"

Malfoy wrinkled his nose, pissed off that I had something he didn't. "What would you know about it, Weasley, you couldn't afford half the handle," Malfoy snapped back. "I suppose you and your brothers have to save up twig by twig."

I had to struggle not to laugh while Ron was right there. If only Malfoy wasn't such an asshole the first time we met. He sure could roast people, I'll give him that. Before Ron could retort, Flitwick showed up to make sure we weren't about to beat Malfoy's ass. "Everything already here, boys? I hope you're not fighting."

"Professor, Potter has a broom."

"Yes, yes, that's right," said Professor Flitwick, beaming at me. "Professor McGonagall told me all about the special circumstances, Potter. And what model is it?"

"A Nimbus Two Thousand, sir," I smiled, fighting not to laugh at the look of horror on Malfoy's face. "And it's really thanks to Malfoy here that I've got it," I added just to piss the titty sucker off more. Yes, Malfoy. Be even more upset. Tonight I'll drink your tears with my dinner!

As we headed up to the dorm rooms, we laughed at the way. "Did you see the look on that idiot's face? Priceless!"

"Especially when Flitwick didn't care," laughed Ron.

"It is true though. If he hadn't taken that Remembrall..."

"So I suppose you think that's a reward for breaking rules?" Captain Naggy was back it again and was stomping up the stairs, looking disapprovingly at the package. Of course she would use her powers to be a spoil sport as usual.

"Damn it! Can you ever shut the hell up!?" I snapped at her. So far the day had been going so well until she came along to bitch at us. "The day was going so fucking well until you showed up to nag! What happened to fucking off?"

"Yeah! It was nice not to hear your voice for once. I guess you couldn't help yourself," said Ron frowning at her.

She just lifted her nose into the air and left. That fucking beaver. Next time I should shove her bitchy ass down the stairs and claim she tripped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I did mean to spell Filch's name "Filth".


End file.
